Once a month my emotions track down to a singular predictable line. Angry, angry, angry, agitated, agitated, exhausted, exhausted, fiery pit of emotions. This brings about a couple of conflicting thoughts. The first is – if you experience the same emotions on the same days every month, are they even real? The short answer is : of course. What you feel is real, regardless of what the circumstances are. But if the emotions are a reflection of hormones, and not real conflicts? That’s where it gets tricky. The down feel I have is real. The sinking in the pit of my stomach is real. And if I trace every thought I have looking for real reason in my feelings, that’s there too. That’s real. So why don’t I feel this bad the rest of the month? Do I stick it away and pretend like it doesn’t matter? Am I just happy, and the parts that don’t make me happy aren’t important? Why can’t my mood amplify the good parts, not the bad parts?
So I’m wallowing. I’m storing up resentment towards the people I care about the most. And I feel like I’m on the verge of tears and it’s pointless to talk about it because it’s the same conversation with the same aggravation with the same switch-about two days later. Feeling hopeless to feeling happy, just take this pill.
My mind is on a treadmill and I can’t get off it and I know, been tested and true, that trying to stop the treadmill only makes you run faster. I give myself two days (tops) before I read this and it doesn’t make sense anymore. Maybe that’s the most frustrating part of all.