I don’t know how this works. Maybe it’s a smell or a sound. Maybe it’s a feeling. I’m laying in bed and I recall a memory. It’s like getting a song stuck in your head you haven’t heard in years, but there it is, vibrant and perfect in all it’s little details. And I can feel the rest of it coming. Everything connecting together in the back of my mind and moving forward to let me see it.

I’m on the carpet at home. It’s still green because my parents haven’t replaced it yet so it’s a little scratchy and rough under my small knees. There’s a coffee stain by the table and I’m leaning against the rocking chair that even then was barely holding itself together. I’m eating kraft mac n cheese with a little fork because I think it will make it last longer and it makes me feel small to use small things. I think some part of me already grasps the unbearable speed of time and growing up and the mac helps gain some perspective. Stick stickly is on nickelodeon because it’s summer I guess. I don’t remember what’s on the TV. AHH real monsters, or rockos modern life. I ask for a cookie.

Regressing further, I’m at my grandmas house. My parents must be at work. I’m sitting in her rocking chair that used to be my grandpas rocking chair before he died. It’s green too. If I lean back and pull the wooden handle on the side the foot rest kicks out but my legs are still too short for it to matter. Face is on nickelodeon now. I watch eurekas castle and gullah gullah island. I watch lamb chop but it’s usually not that good. I watch mr rogers with his sweaters and the puppets and the train.

All that’s gone now, remnants in my mind, stories and memories that hardly make sense in the context of who I am. I don’t know why I remember it. I don’t know why it’s so vivid. But it leads to more memories. The sound of my parents making dinner. My brother getting home. Coloring in coloring books while I lay on my stomach on the floor. The synthetic hair on the top of my barbies head. The memories swirl and combine and crash together until I get tired thinking of all the things that were and I close my eyes again.

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