Feb 2009, pre-pdx.

I remember

Maybe I will find that writing is the cure to the stress to come. Maybe I’ll write a book. Maybe I’ll just become cynical. I’ll move to a big city and find a coffee shop and sit in the window and write all day long. I’ll have no friends. I’ll have my black coffee and distaste for the noise and the cold outside the big windows. I’ll read a good book and feel intellectual. I’ll feel like a better person. And I’ll get my heart broken again and again and find myself lost in this sea of books and coffee and windows that are just too big. So big that everyone can see me. Sitting here in self pity, thinking about only myself and how I’d become this way. Quiet, lonely, and self destructing.

Or perhaps, I’ll develop a new persona. I will take out a loan from the bank and begin the big city fetish for clothes I cannot afford. I’ll have pea coats and shiny boots and heels for every occasion. I’ll have skirts. I’ll have scarves. I’ll have hats, and I don’t even wear hats. But I’ll need a hat. I’ll need more than one pair of sunglasses. And I’ll walk out of stores with bags in every hand, feeling warm and fuzzy on the inside. I’ll stride down the street with Victoria’s Secret and Coach and girly goodies swinging the bags from side to side, as if holding the hands of some of my best friends. I’ll laugh to myself. I’ll get a latte from the street and sip the foam while I catch the street car. I’ll go home and try on all of my clothes. I’ll spin around in front of my big full length mirror. Cue music. I’ll make a movie after myself. While I try on clothes a friend will watch via webcam laughing and agreeing how cute I look. Then I will crawl into bed alone and remember that I am just the kind of person I hate the most.

Or I’ll be me, the kind of person I say I am. When you feel out about-me sections on the internet you are not filling out a true representation of who you are. You are filling out what you wish everyone would see of you. For example, I could say that I’m a college student working towards my psychology degree and I have a love of books and photography. In reality, I’m a sophomore at a community college. I have no idea what degree I’m working towards, nor do I know how long its going to take me to get it. I love to read but I rarely ever choose books over the internet. And I love photography, but I haven’t been out to take pictures in months.

This is how I describe myself as this is how I want everyone to see me. So who I’ll be when I move. Who I want you to see me as. The girl who moved from a little city to a big town.

I am overrun by decisions to make and stress stabbing at me from every direction. I cannot drive in a big city. I have to learn to take public transport. I often feel so far behind during the day that I start to cry and feel lost. Maybe I am lost. But I find my way.

I’m wearing new clothes, though not coach and nothing expensive. Just new. Mood boosting new. My hair is cut and dyed and the smile plastered on my face is simply there to meet new friends. I know they see right through it and I know a grimace would meet equal appeal. I go to school, I try to find a job, and I live cleaning up after my roommate and watching bad television. I’d like to say I immerse myself into studying, but the most of it will likely be only of the topics of my choice. I will let things slip, I will let things slide. As this is life.

And some time, at some point, I will become used to this new environment. This hectic pace, the being lost, the bigness of it all. I’ll have someone to call. I always do. But there will be more. And they’ll want to see me. And I’ll want to see them. And things will fall into place. Things will click like puzzle pieces. They’ll be put together in a way that makes sense. Me. The city. Every bit of it. And I’ll become someone absolutely new, probably who I was always supposed to be.

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