February 2010

Last night after a pint of some sort of wheat beer at the brewery we stumbled our way back to the bike shop and went to the basement. I was just buzzed enough that while standing there leaning against that hand-made table I felt like I’d left my body. Maybe it’s a bit of my anxiety and a bit of me being an absolute crazy person but I felt like I was floating somewhere above myself watching myself listening to the conversation take place. Out of body feelings are pretty normal, for me, but this was peaceful not terrifying. We leave and walk approx three miles to the other side of Portland which- I hang my head in shame- I have become a convert. I exchange my high-priced studio apartment and freshly groomed parks with award winning poodles for PBR night and worn down keds. For doughnuts down the street and homeless people talking about crack babies and how “masturbating is EXTRAORDINARY” he says as he stumbles post mardi gras. I exchange these clean streets with the slightest crack marked in yellow for endless trash pits and highways and people on tall bikes. I salute the writers and the artists and the creepy people who open shops selling only figurines. I wonder what my life will be like tomorrow when we live together in our perfectly vacuumed two story apartment with bathtub big enough for bubbles. I will wake up and say good morning and make the coffee and you will leave and I will work and go to school and come home and people will say how perfect life must be to be you.

I add things to my never-ending shopping list. Mascara, tums, shampoo, bleach, alfredo sauce. No slip mats and a garlic press. I consider leaving it written on a torn piece of paper so someone can find it and wonder what kind of crazy person I am, exactly. Instead I write “you are so absolutely fantastic” on a scrap of notebook paper and leave it behind when I get up to go. When someone finds it they will look around and think it was meant for someone else. Maybe a lover or a lover of a lover or a friend who was having a bad day. They will take it and feel a bit ashamed because they think it wasn’t for them and it’s so important to someone else to know and then they’ll keep it. They’ll put it in their wallet and for the rest of the day they’ll know. I am so absolutely fantastic.

And life for me the same, I get up and I go to school and it hurts sometimes. It hurts just to wake up. To get out of bed and shower and eat. But the shower is so warm it turns my back red and my cereal has cut up almonds in it and tastes sweet. The sun is shining today and maybe these little things that make me bored really are only boring because I make them so.

Posted 2/17/2010 at 4:37 PM

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